Fifty Shades of Long lost Love
by Puesdoruskin
Summary: Christian and Ana meet and realize a love which is more than a decade old. Its my take on E.L James Fifty shades of Grey. They are old friends and now struggle in the light of new found love and lust for each other.
1. Chapter 1

**Fifty shades of Long lost Love.**

Well let me first begin by stating that this is my take on E.L James Fifty shades of Grey.  
All the characters belong to E. . This is my take on the novel. Christian and Anastasia are soulmates even before they knew it. They have been separated twice before. They have been old friends. Its time to find out how love overpowers them.

**Chapter 1**

So there she is. Well how long have I been waiting? I check the time. Its 18:45! It's been 45 minutes. I want to look pissed. I want to! How stupid is this. I should be angry. But one look at her after 2 years and all I can think is I really want her close. Close enough to feel her skin come alive, close enough to hear her breathe, close enough to smell her hair. That's all .I just want to be close to her. I can't imagine touching her. She is too precious, too fragile, too pure to be ruined by my touch. My eyes are piercing through her. I can't help but watch her every move. She locks her red mini. She looks different. She is smiling and waving all over. She crosses the road, very carelessly. I don't like that. She needs to be more careful.

And just like that, I am thrown out of my trance by this storm who happens to be an angel named Anastasia.

"I am so sorry. So very sorry. It's not like I forgot. But it's just that I didn't realize how late I was. How long were you waiting ? And why are dressed in shorts? Wasn't it your birthday? Why are you in your shorts! You didn't want to go for dinner! Hmmm... You should have told me earlier , we weren't going anywhere! How stupid of you! Shit! I feel so embarrassed. Look at you. And look at me! Fuck! I hate you! "

That's her... That's Anastasia for you. And just as I begin to say something,  
"Shit! Happy birthday! And I'm still .Very. Sorry."  
She looks at me with those puppy brown eyes. She has big beautiful eyes, which I will never forget. It's been 12 years since I have known her. And this thing about her, the ability to have anger, irritation, innocence, authority, guilt, joy, all of it, in those eyes, all at once. It's exhaustive. How the fuck do I catch up to her! Fuck! Those eyes! They talk. And they say so much to me. I know they have missed me. And right now they are begging me to take her out of her misery.  
And before I can say something again, she begins to come closer. She wants to hug me. No. I can't. I step back.  
"Oh! Come on! I said I am sorry!" But she stands right here. I want to reach out to her. I don't want those eyes to be sorry. I want them to be happy. But I can't just touch her. "You are in your shorts and flip flops!" she yells and whines.  
And with that, I can't help but grin. How does she do that! I can't, even if I want to .I can't be mad at her. I just can't. And what the fuck! I am supposed to feel guilty! About shorts! That's the audacity Ms Steele has. I am forced to smile.  
"Hi", I say to her, giving her a shy smile. Her face lights up. She knows me too well. She knows she is forgiven. Still just to butter up my shot down ego, she goes over and over again about how sorry she is.  
"So, you done? Now shut up!" I get my CEO voice back. My smile gone, my gaze turns serious. I don't like the effect she has over me. I like control. No set of adorable eyes can make me weak. At least that is what I would like to believe. Her face immediately falls, her eyes fall and she starts nervously playing with her fingers. No, no, no. Don't look down! Don't be guilty. Don't look sad. I am happy .Very happy to see you. You have no absolute idea Ana. I just wish she could hear what my head talks. She looks up. Our eyes meet. They are talking again! Damn!

"First, thank you for your wishes. Secondly, I know I am in shorts. And lastly, I don't remember making any plans with you. If I wanted to, I would have let you know. And yes! Not to forget! You are not forgiven so easily this time."

That will do. I am the alpha here after all. I can't have her always come in and make me feel…. Well, whatever that I am feeling. Because I know very well what this will do to me. I will lose myself in her .And then she will disappear again. Just like that! I can't let this happen to me. I hate the way I feel later, empty and sad. It reminds of the time…'Snap out of it Grey!'. Well I will not let anyone make me feel that way. Not even her.

"Oh come on, Grey. I said I am sorry. I think you already have your revenge. Fuck! People are actually staring." She is crimson now. Looking nervous, fidgeting with the hem of the dress. I give her a thorough examination. She looks sexy. I don't remember seeing her this way. Her hair is very short .A neat bob. I don t remember her hair like that. It's a navy blue dress. Not too short. A length I approve. But it's a halter .Which I am not too sure of. She looks hot. And I don't know why. But I don't like the idea of her looking hot in public! I scan the surroundings. In the original Starbucks of Seattle, are a handful of guys who just can't take eyes off her. I want to get her out of here. I call Taylor, my bodyguard to get my car.

"Get in the car Ms Steele." I hold the door open for her. I sound businesslike. My voice is husky and straight. I watch her make an effort to get into my black Audi Q7 with those towering heels. As I close her door, she looks at me, confused and embarrassed. I can't help it. I wink at her. What the fuck! Why did I do that! I see a ghost of a smile on her face. I want to run my finger over that shadow of a smile. Fuck! She is biting her lower lip. I can't take my eyes off them. With great effort I close the door, move to my side of the car. I instruct Taylor to take us to Olive bar and kitchen. I want to go there for two simple reasons, first they have private seating area and second Ana loves Italian. But before getting to the restaurant, I ask him to stop by at the nearest clothing store. I have to give what Ana wants. She wants pants on me. So be it. And I personally hate to move out dressed in shorts and flip-flops, but I had no intentions of going anywhere, especially after the fever I had earlier. I run a mental check, I don't have a cold. The headache has disappeared. Not feeling too feverish too. Don't want Ana to catch anything from me.

I am staring out of the window, and then she speaks. I was secretly hoping she would talk. I could listen to her talk for hours. But today it was different. She wasn't her usual self. I guess she is finally intimidated by me. Well, that feels good. Well done Grey!

"What are smirking about? You think I am scared of you! Huh! Good luck with that. Christian Grey, CEO, Grey Holdings! Talk, handsome, male chauvinist Grey in your office mister! For me, right now, you are the 15 year old boy who dropped me home every day from school. Don't put up this act with me. I know my 15 year old is still hidden in somewhere. And I pledge to get him out tonight!"

I have my evil smile on. I am not going to let her win. Oh no. Male chauvinist, eh! May be I should keep these shorts on and take her to the fucking opera! That will keep her shut. I swear my palm twitches. 'Wait! No. I will never do that do her. She is a friend. Just a old annoying friend. I am NOT GOING TO SPANK HER. I am NOT going to pull her on my lap, and hoist her facing down with belly pressed against my thighs. I am NOT going to lift her navy blue dress off her thighs, shredding her panties to reveal her perfect round pale fair ass. I will NOT bring my twitching palm to slam in her flesh several times, 25 times .Because that is how old I am today. It's my birthday gift. 'Grey! Fuck you! You are one fucked up soul!'

"Christian! Stop looking at me that way. I have said sorry already. If you don't want me here, I will go. Umm. Excuse me Mister, could you please drop me back to the Starbucks. Mr. Taylor is it?"

Before Taylor could answer to that, I bring myself to say something. "Please don't go." I am begging! What the…! I don't beg. I command. Luck was at my side, and Taylor stopped at Barneys for me. Barneys will have to do for me right now. I move out and open Ana's door. She looks at me confused. She has anger in those eyes. "What!" she snaps. "Come, help me get dressed. Its my birthday, and there is this annoying girl who wont let me wear my goddamn shorts!" She has her big grin on! And all the anger in her eyes, poof! Gone!

She jumps out of the car excited. Before I can open the door for her, she is already inside store. God! What do I do with her! She is untamable. She has already picked out a mandarin collar white linen shirt with a pair of jeans and dark blue sneakers. I am angry now. This girl makes me wait, yells at me for my shorts on my birthday, calls me a male chauvinist and then wants to pick clothes for me. I cannot allow this. Ignoring her I find myself a black t-shirt and ripped jeans. She is looking at me with defeat in her eyes. She hates this. Good! I feel better now! Take that Ms Steele! I am in the changing room, I have just put on the jeans, when I hear her outside the door. "Christian! Christian! Open the door! You are such a prick! Christian! I have come all the way from Portland for this! All you want to do is defy me. You are such an asshole!"

No one has dare cursed me so much. How dare she. I swing open the door. As I open the door, my gaze is cold. I am so angry right now. I will punish her. I will tie her up right here to the coat hanger in the changing room. Strip her naked. Rub my hands on her butt. And slap it. And I will make sure her face is towards the full length mirror. I want her to see, the victory in my eyes as I do this to her. Shit! I hate myself for this. She is right I am an asshole.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

She is inside the changing room. She is inches away from me. Even with those louboutin heels, she is shorter to me. She is staring at me. Her eyes are filled with anger. But its not only that. I feel something else. I see something dark in her eyes.

"Ms. Steel, get the fuck out of…." I am yelling at her now, what she does next, makes me freeze.

"Shhh!" is all she says . She comes closer to me. Placing the shirt she picked for me on the coat hanger, she touches the hem of the t-shirt that I am wearing, making me flinch. She keeps staring at me. For the first time I cant understand what those eyes are saying. Her eyes are the deepest color of brown and I cant take my gaze away from her. I want to move. But I don't want to. I am trapped in her eyes. They grow darker as she lifts my t-shirt over to my chest. Fuck! She does it again. She bites her lower lip, with that there is a wicked smile crossing her face. I want to bite that lip. I want to bite every inch of her. Shit! I have a hard on. I am so turned on right now. Thank God for these jeans. This is not good. I cant do this. She is too good for this. I shake my head. And with some herculean effort I hold both her wrists. The look in her eyes suddenly changes. They are no longer dark, filled with desires. They are confused. They have a hint of betrayal. I can't bear to touch her. I feel sharp current running through me. As I let go of her hands, I know she is disappointed. She walks out of the changing room without a word.

I am too stunned to think about what happened there between me and Anastasia. I wear the shirt and jeans she picked out for me. I wanted to see her reaction. I wanted to see her naughty 'I win' look. I don't like what effect she has on me. But in a strange way I want to do this.

I am a bit disappointed that she isn't there outside the changing room. I get the clothes and sneakers billed. Buy my Burberry weekend perfume. I hope she hasn't gone. I come out of the store. There is standing dramatically with her back facing me. I stop to consume the image of her in front of my eyes. Pale fair shoulders are showing off her beautiful skin. Her long beautiful arms are behind her back. Finger knotted together. She has a gorgeous hourglass figure. Her perfect back is showing little from that halter dress. Her tiny waist leads down those gorgeous legs. Her dress giving away every detail of the curves she possesses. Man! I couldn't come to terms with those feelings. I have always remembered feeling vulnerable with her. But never did I imagine I would feel desire for her. I don't remember the last time I desired anything . If something crosses my mind, I own it. That's the perks I get for being a billionaire. And women, well I have only had Subs in my life. I have controlled women and they have submitted to me. This desire shit is ugly. It makes me feel weak. Taylor comes by my side, taking my parcel from my hands. I snap back to reality. I thank him and move towards Ana. I know now somehow this woman is going to take my world in a storm.

"Ana, let us go have dinner. Its getting late" She turns around, and she freezes. Her eyes are wide in surprise. Slowly her expression changes to naughty. She bites her lip again. I love my defeat. Damn you Ms Steele! What are you doing to me! I look at her pokerfaced. She moves to get in the car. I open the door for her.  
"Very well behaved are we Mr. Grey?" She gives me a warm smile. I smile to myself. I know she is a headstrong kind a girl. But I know likes chivalry. Old fashioned Ana. She was the simplest girl I knew when we were kids, geeky even. I cant imagine how long its been. And here she is all sexy, but all the more adorable and cute. I bet she would hate it if I called her cute right now. Once inside the car, I give it a shot.

"You look cute Ana. Your is short. It suits you." I wink at her giving her a sly crooked smile. She rolls her eyes! I cant believe it. She rolled her damn eyes over me! You are so in trouble Ms Steele. "Do that once more, and see what I do to you." I snap not realizing how those words come to life. She glares at me. and then she has a comeback. " you call me cute once more, I roll my eyes again." She gives me a big over the top fake smile. "where are we going?" she inquires. "too late to ask, we are almost there".

We pull up at the entrance of the restaurant. She waits this time for me to open her door. I knew it, she likes it!. " where will Taylor eat?" she is always so inquisitive! Taylor gives me a smile. "I am fine Ms Steele. You two have a good evening." I thank him. We find our reserved private seating table. She gives me a nasty disappointing look. " I am not sitting here! This is no fun!" She scans the restaurant. And simply ignoring me she starts walking to bar table. She declares "this is where we celebrate your birthday!"

"Ana! Come back!" What the fuck do I do with her! She has already ordered for drinks and pats the seat next to hers. I look around. Everybody is busy, but there is this one guy staring at her on her left. I sit next to Ana, blocking his vision. "Cheers! To you Mr Grey! To you getting old!" she giggles. She is adorable. I love that giggle. "Cheers to you Ms stubborn Steele"

We chat about my work, and hers. She has had a promotion at her marketing firm. They are moving her to Seattle. She is going to look for an apartment in Seattle. I make up my mind to ask her to move in into my apartment. I will let her pay the rent. Or else will whine about it the whole time. It's a great idea. "I know a place where you can stay , its close to your workplace." She brightens up. "Where? I have to figure out the rent too. Let me know, I will check it tomorrow" I tell her I will show it tomorrow.

I order for food. She excuses herself to go to the washroom. Before leaving she tells the bartender to serve another round. I am lost in my blackberry. Suddenly a woman comes up to me. Sits where Ana was sitting earlier. She is blushing and batting her eyelashes. I am tired of these girls ogling at me all the time. Ok its just a pretty face. I tell her with a straight face that the seat was taken. She is still just smiling at me. Just then arrives our dear friend Ana. She has her hands on hips. The girl gives Ana a jealous look. "Please move, you are taking my seat" The girl was not giving up so early. "You can take the other seat next to him!" Ana flares her nostrils, rolls her eyes will full melodrama and looks at me "I go away for two minutes, and go around inviting girls! What a monster have I married!" Next thing I know, the girl has disappeared. Poor thing! Even I wouldn't stand a chance in front of Ana. I laugh my ass off. Shit! I laugh so hard, tears roll out of my eyes. Ana comes very close to me and whispers in my ears "tonight I wont let anyone take my place"

Moments pass, I am just staring at her. Those words take me in a trance. I can see her eyes go dark again. They look carnal and eager. The waiter interrupts our moment. Before we know we are on our fourth drink. Alcohol is having an effect on me. My usual strict stern CEO act is dissolving. I don't remember the last time I smiled so much. I let my guard down. I pull her leg about how dorky she was in school. She pouts and those big brown eyes turn to the best shade of adorable.

Just then there is a live band which starts playing. They have Ana's attention. She stands up and turns her back at me. The band is through their third song. And then – _Bang Bang, he shot me down. Bang Bang I hit the ground. _Ana turns over to look at me. She gives me a wicked smile that gives me a god damn erection. I gasp and freeze . My eyes lock with hers. Her eyes are searching for something in mine. She turns back and I slowly feel her stand in between my legs. She slowly rests on my thighs. I can hear my own heart through all the noise. My pulse is racing. She is so close to me. Yet she has no idea what effect she has on me. She moves very slowly to the song. Its sheer torture. I try to think of something else. But my brain keeps brining me back to her. Her hair brush my shirt very lightly. And I cant take it. I am about to put my hands on her waist. Just then this guy who was earlier staring starts talking to her. He is standing very close to her. Before I know he has taken her to dance. She takes a step back from him but continues to dance. I stand still and watch her. I am high, turned on and completely devastated that she moved away from me. I watch them intently. He keeps getting closer. He moves his hand over her back, feels her all the way down. This is when my blood begins to boil. I cannot let anyone touch her like that. I begin moving towards them. Just then I see her. Ana, she is frozen. Her face is ashen. Her eyes are scared. She pushes him back. But he grabs her even harder. I punch him right across his face. I am so angry I could kill this guy. "Get your filthy hands off her! Throw this bastard out before I do something worse." The hotel staff are apologizing to us and I see them throw that prick out. I look at Ana, she has gone so pale. She has tears running down her face. Her eyes are so scared. "Ana! Its ok. Its me. He is gone." I take her hand and pull her to our private seating area. I signal the waiters to get the fuck out. Shit! I am angry. I feel so helpless. I want to touch her. Hold her. But I cant. This is all my fault. I saw it coming and didn't stop her. I should have held her and not let her go dance with that prick. I see her and then all goes blank. All my previous ghosts who don't let me touch vanish. I hold her close, the sensation almost killing me. She is huddled up in my arms. Her head resting on my chest. I caress her hair . She is shivering and I cant bear it. I keep mumbling something about how everything is ok. The alcohol, rage and this. Its making me go insane. Taylor comes in searching for us. He takes off his jacket and gives it to me. I let go of Ana but she is holding on my shirt buttons. I couldn't imagine what happened to her to make her so vulnerable. Taylor takes the jacket and puts it around her. "Ana, I am taking you home. Ok? You will be fine." I lift her up in my arms and we leave.

All the way in the car she is still frozen . She doesn't say a word. I don't let her go. She is sitting in my lap with my hand holding her back. I feel my shirt is moist from her tears. I could do anything to stop her from crying. "Don't cry Ana. We are ok. He is gone." I kiss her forehead. I didn't know I had it in me , to comfort someone, to care for some one . But I do for her. With my kiss she stirs a little. Shit! Did I scare her again! I look at her eyes urgently. They are now looking deep into mine. I kiss her forehead again. She hugs me tighter and I hear a low soft thank you. She tries to move away from my lap. I tell her to be still. I want this. I need this.

When we arrive at my place, Taylor opens my door. Ana is sleeping in my arms. I hate to wake her up. "Ana. We are here. Wake up sweety." She looks up at me and tries to escape my embrace, I try to sit up and accidently hit my head to the roof. Shit! It hurts! "Sir are you ok?" Taylor smiles and looks the other way as he sees Ana hold my head and rub it gently. She settles down in the next seat and she smiles. I would do anything to see her smile. I give her shy smile. Ask her if she is ok. I move out the car and hold the door for her. I take her hand in mine. It strangely feels right.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

*Please do send across your reviews. This is my first attempt at writing and I love to hear from you guys.*

Alcohol, rage and adrenaline, my friends is not a good combination. I am somehow managing my composure. I want to make sure Ana is ok. We haven't had our dinner and I am not comfortable with that thought. Once we are in my apartment I show Ana to the guest room. She mumbles out a thank you and disappears inside. I wonder what Ana will wear. There are some clothes which were for the subs. But no, I cant let Ana wear those. I sigh to myself as I realize I am picking up a pair of my freshly laundered shorts and t-shirt for her. This girl is trouble. Leaving Taylor a message to buy Ana some toiletries and fresh clothes, I head out to Ana's room. I knock on the door and there is no reply. Its unlocked. I take a peek inside to see if Ana has slept already. I find her sitting on the bed, hugging her knees and she is lost in some distant thought. Atleast she is not crying anymore. I find myself in a strange situation. I don't know what to do, I am utterly clueless. I leave after putting the clothes beside her. She looks up at me and nods a thank you. I return with two glasses of water and some salad which I find in the fridge. " You need to eat and drink this water. Ana you need to change." She finishes the water and pushes the salad away gently to my side. "Ana, is there something you need to talk about. You can tell me." She looks at me and gives me a tiny tired smile. "I am not hungry Christian. You need to sleep. I am super" she is giving me a thumbs up, but her eyes are sad. I am not going to take that answer. " Something is wrong and I know. You looked so scared. There is something on your mind Ana." She pauses and I see her making an attempt. "its nothing Grey, now go!" She picks up my clothes and gets up to leave. I know something is terribly wrong. Those sad eyes remind me of my own ghosts.

Shit! Its unbearable. I want to help her. I want to know what is eating her. I grab her hand and stand facing her. "Ana what that guy did was pathetic. He was a prick to grab your ass. But Ana why are you so sad? Its painful to see your eyes so sad. Ana! No. Why are you ashamed. Jesus! Ana. It wasn't your fault. What happened Ana." I am practically begging now. My voice is urgent. I don't want to scare her but I cant control myself. I can see she is ashamed. Oh Ana! No. She freezes as she hears my words. Her eyes turn stone cold. She steps back , releasing herself from my hands. She goes back to staring at the wall. That's all she does for a couple of minutes , stands still staring at the wall. I cant move an inch. I am worried I have scared her. She speaks finally, still looking away from me.

"Come here Ana baby, Uncle Gary wants to play. Ana has been a very naughty girl. Ana has been a bad girl. Uncle Gary likes naughty Ana. Come sit in my lap baby. No baby ,don't make a sound. Daddy will be very angry with you, he will punish you. No ANA! DON'T SHOUT! Let uncle Gary play! Now open your mouth Ana. Good girl Ana. Now don't say a thing to anyone or else your daddy will be very angry. Uncle Gary likes Ana."

Fuck! I feel my skin crawl. She is still standing there, frozen. Her eyes are devoid of any emotion. How the fuck can someone do this! I am so fucking angry. How could anyone be so demented to do this. Now my entire body is in auto mode. I rush towards her and hold her. She lets out a cry at my touch. I don't let go. I hold her even closer. "Ana, its me. I am not going to hurt you." She is cold. Very cold. I take her closer and her stone cold eyes meet mine. "Ana, it wasn't your fault. Ana look at me. I will find that asshole and make him pay for this. Ana! Listen to me. It wasn't your fault. It was not your fault. I am sorry it happened. It wasn't your fault." I have tears in my eyes. I rest my forehead on hers. "It wasn't my fault?" her voice is full of innocence. I look at her, her eyes are now sad again. "No Ana. It wasn't your fault" her shaking fingers are attempting to wipe my tears. "Christian, I want some water please" I move out to get her some water. I am standing by the fridge, trying to comprehend what just happened. I am so fucking pissed. I close my eyes and I see a vision of him, that pimp who would use me like I am his ashtray. I have tears again. I am feeling so fucking helpless all over again. I feel Ana by my side. She takes my face and looks deep into my eyes. Her eyes are talking to me again. They know how fucked up I feel. They feel my pain. She asks me to step aside. I look away and try to gain some composure. I go to my room to wash my face. I change my clothes and I feel some strength back in me. I move out to the kitchen and I find Ana holding a jam sandwich with a candle on top of it. She gives me a sad smile. "it is your birthday Grey. Make a wish!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.

"Thank you Ms Steele. Thank you for reminding me that I am officially old!" I blow out the candle and split the jam sandwich in two. All my thoughts have vanished. I don't want to think of anything. Not about her demented uncle, not about the pimp, I don't want to think about how from spanking her now I have an urge to simply make love to her. I just want to mark this memory in my brain unadulterated. The smile on my face and the look in her eyes, are the very definition of innocence right now.  
Taking one half of the jam sandwich, she stuffs it in my mouth and giggles softly.  
I smear the entire jam from the second half over her face. It's my sweet revenge. She lets out a couple of cuss words and simply stands in front of me, pouting. I want to kiss her. Right here, I want her. I know I do.  
And my motor nerves kick in and do exactly what my brain is thinking. I hold her pretty face in both my hands and lean in for a kiss. I search her eyes. They are growing darker again. She surrenders with her lips waiting for my touch. We are an inch away and neither of us can move. I part my lips but retreat, hers open up in anticipation and they are even closer to me now. The tension is fucking killing me. We both are frozen as everything around us is spinning. I lean in again but stop. My lips are trembling. She moves her hands to my neck. I gasp. I am a moth too close to a fire. I look at her eyes; the hunger in them for me is my calling. I want Ana to be the fire that engulfs me in her passion and desire. I close my eyes and surrender. I take her lips in mine. Her upper lip caught in my full embrace. I pull her face closer and now I feel her taking my lower lip. Our lips have a life of their now, they are moving together in a slow rhythmic pace. I can feel her hands move and they drive me crazy, they pull my hair gently and with that I am on fire. I thrust myself on her and push my way in-between her legs. My erection is pushing in her thigh. She is sitting on the kitchen stool and I pin her against table. My tongue is caressing her mouth, begging for an entry, she obliges and I find her tongue massaging mine. I pull back for a moment, clasp both her hands in one of mine and pin them behind her. Our trembling lips meet again and after what seems like an eternity, we stop.  
There we are in my kitchen, lost in each other both panting and trembling. Everything around me is spinning. I want her, all of her but something tells me this is not the right time. My brain is telling me that is not the right time. She is too vulnerable and I am drunk. If it takes another decade so be it.

I open my eyes to find a face of an angel who has her eyes lowered. I cup her face and run my thumb on her cheeks. I caress her chin and raise her face. I search her eyes and they are wild with desire but they want to say something, something urgent." Ana are you ok?" She nods a yes and is about to say something but stops. I kiss her forehead gently. She smells heavenly. "Ana, you need rest. Go change, I will get some more water for you." She has a sad smile on but she seems relaxed now. She goes in the guestroom leaving me alone with my thoughts. 'I wanted to spank the fuck out of her earlier, and now I don't want to have sex because it's not the "right" thing to do! Boy! This feels strange. I need to understand what is happening to me. But it can wait. But I want to be with her today.' I smile to myself, Man! This girl even after a decade drives me crazy.  
I enter the guestroom since its open and realize she is in the shower. Shit! I want to join her! 'No Grey. Don't behave like an arse that you usually are.' She comes out moments later looking adorable in my clothes. She is sitting beside me, playing nervously with her thumb. I think I should leave now. I wish I wouldn't have to. 'Grey! Get a grip over yourself. You sleep alone. You don't share your bed. And Ana should not be any exception. This is who you are.' As I turn to leave the room, I kiss her forehead again and whisper a good night. I close the door and then she calls out "Christian..."  
My subconscious is telling me to go to my room, but I don't care. I am fifty shades fucked up but I am strangely at peace with myself. I want to go to sleep with Ana in my arms. I open the door and she immediately looks away from me. "Christian, I don't want to be alone tonight. Is it ok if you stay here?"  
I pull the duvet and ask her to join me. We lay down with her head resting on my shoulders; her warm breath caresses my neck. She puts her hand on my stomach and I flinch. Shit!  
I can't do this. I want her hands away from me. I am in a whirlpool of emotions. My brain keeps telling me that it is ok. But I can't do it. 'How on earth do you expect a girl in your life if you can't even allow her to touch you Grey? Forget about this. None of this is happening!' I want my stupid brain to stop talking. All I know is I will not let her go again, so what if there are conditions applied.  
"Christian, are you ok?" Ana withdraws her hand. Shit! Now I want it back! What the fuck is the matter with me!  
"Christian, I am sorry. I know you don't want to be here. Christian please go back and sleep in your room.  
Now I am pissed at myself. 'Well done Grey! You just made her feel you don't want her.' What do I do, this is far too frustrating. I have to tell her. She will run away. I have to take my chance. If she doesn't run away then probably I have a one in a million probability of having her.  
She has now switched on the lights and is sitting, waiting for me to leave.  
I sit up facing her and conjure up some courage to reveal to her volume one - fucked up Christian Grey  
"Ana, I want to stay here with you tonight. The thing is this is all very new to me. I have never shared a bed with anyone. Never. But I want to do it today. But there is something else too; I don't want to be touched above my waist. It's complicated. But I can't. I find it usually very difficult to have physical contact with people. But with you I am comfortable, I have realized it today. But I still can't bear you touching me above my waist."  
I am doomed, she is going to ask me get lost. Its ok, I understand. Sooner the better.  
All she does is lie down again with her back facing me and asks me join her. "Don't forget to switch off the lights Grey. Good night."  
I put one arm around her waist and hold her close with her back against my chest. I kiss her shoulders lightly and can't believe that she is still here. She didn't ask me to get lost. She didn't run away. We lie still getting accustomed to this new feeling. I feel her warm body beside me getting comfortable and cozy. "Ana, I got my birthday present today. It's you Ana" She puts her hand over mine and gives it a gentle squeeze.  
Under the starry sky, were two people holding each other with a silent promise to drive away the ghosts of yesteryears.


End file.
